Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Once Upon a Time I Remembered I Had a Blog And Then This Happened

I can't be the only person to ever cry for a good thirty minutes over the fact that my life is not some epic adventure you'd read in a fictional story. Everyone wishes for a fairy-tale at some point, right? Just anything that could even semi represent magic. Just a touch of something sweet and unusual and different. Something unexplainable and unique enough to stand out against whatever our normal may be. This is something we've all hoped for at least once in our lives, right? I mean, everybody has tried to test to see if they have superpowers before. That's no secret. And it's always really depressing whenever the glass we were moving with our mind doesn't actually budge at all. Or when you discover that you really, really can't control any of the elements. Or when you can't, in fact, read somebody's mind. 

This is all stuff I have done anyways. Many times. Over and over. For probably the entire life I have in memory. Because I figured, if I keep trying enough, EVENTUALLY something had to work. And I just wanted so badly for it to work. 

This was honestly the most frustrating thing in the world for me. And the frustration kept getting worse when I started to get older and the pure WANT I had for it wouldn't go away. Not even slightly. Sometimes I feel like it only got stronger.

Later on I wasn't even upset that I couldn't find some magical locket or meet a ghost, I was mostly upset because I felt like a baby for still pining after such things. While all my friends (who were all maybe 12-13 at the time) were already excited about going to high-school in the next year or so, or getting their license when they're a little bit older, or deciding on a career they want to start working towards for their future, I felt REALLY stupid for wishing I could make a mysterious friend and fight off monsters in an alternate dimension. Really, really, really dumb. I cried about this a lot. For three reasons:

1. Because I wasn't getting an unbelievable adventure
2. Because I felt silly for spending all of my free time thinking about magic. At 13. 
3. Because the older I got the more apparent it was to me that these sorts of things don't actually happen in reality. 

I really can't express hard enough how incredibly stupid I felt. I really can't. I thought I was totally ridiculous for waiting for an epic story. I felt alone, I felt disappointed, I felt scared, I felt sorry for myself, I felt like I was crazy. But the whole time, through ALL the depression and anxiety this little wish was causing me, there was STILL this sliver of underlying hope that maybe, just maybe, something would happen.

I had this fear of growing up. Because I knew that this feeling wasn't going to go away. And I didn't want to get any older and feel any weirder about it until I had something to make it stop. Or at least until I knew what the purpose of feeling this way WAS.("feeling this way" mostly meaning feeling like a Tim Burton-esque bobblehead that would play strange music if you shook it.)

I'm 16 now. Which, if I ever come back to read this in like five years, will probably seem really young. But I feel like a super ancient version of that 13 year old self right now. Super ancient. Like, I'm that wise old man with the long white beard waiting at the top of the mountain you've been climbing for weeks to seek my knowledge or something. Mostly, I just feel like a different person. Which, descriptively, probably makes more sense and I should have just said that in the first place. (Whatever though. The old man thing was way cooler.)

The reason I feel so different? Well besides the "wondrous" process of puberty, is because I'm learning to find the magic in life. And NOT just in the really wacky dreams I have. (Seriously though. They're weird.)  

It's in the little things. Those moments with your best friend when you just look at each other and KNOW you're thinking the same thing. So the insane laughter ensues. Or when it rains and the trees get dewy and the sunset makes them look like they're made of gold. Or when you get random deja vu that seems so clear you seriously start to wonder if your life is on repeat. Or when you think you see a shadow out of the corner of your eye but nobody is actually there. Or when you know somebody well enough you can read their exact thoughts and emotions by just their facial expression. Or those times you get really strong, fluttery gut pulls towards people or things. Just those unexplainable tugs towards something. Where you're not really sure WHY you can't stop thinking about something or WHY that thought popped into your head or WHY you automatically noticed something or someone. It just happens. 

I tried to pay attention to those more after one night when I felt a random panic and the urge to start talking to one of my friends. I later the next day found out she had almost gotten hit by a car that same night.

It's not like I was then able to predict everything that was gonna happen in everybody's lives. But sometimes when I felt like I needed to text a friend or buy a certain lipstick color (No I'm actually not joking about that.), they were needing someone in that moment or that one specific cosmetic thing ended up becoming really important in a project I would have soon after. 

Plus, there's nothing wrong with just letting yourself be happy. It's nice when you like something or someone and you just stop questioning why or what the purpose may be.

A quick example:

This ring.

I walked into an antique shop one time. A fairly large, adorable, and super awesome store. This was the first thing I saw. 

It was in a glass case that was JAM-FREAKING-PACKED with tons of really pretty, glittery jewelry. And this was the first thing that caught my eye.

After walking around for a while with my mom I  took her over to the case to show her the ring. 

The lady working there asked if we wanted to see anything. So she brought out the ring and handed it to me and I literally almost cried. (#melodrama) ((Okay but seriously I did actually almost cry. It was a weird reaction.)) 

She told us it's from the 40s. And that it's the "Cinderella" ring because lots of girls like it but it doesn't ever fit on any of them. 

So I decide to try it on.

It didn't fit me either. It was too small to go over my knuckle. 

This made me sad but I still wanted it anyways. I figured I could get it resized or something. Maybe keep it and somehow make sure it ends up as my wedding ring. I didn't know. I just thought it was super pretty. 

I was kind of obnoxious for the next couple weeks because I kept bringing it up. I promise, I'm not some spoiled brat that stamps her foot and whines till she has all the pretty things. I just really liked the ring. And I liked making up stories about who might have owned it previously and stuff. It was unique. 

My birthday came, and I got it as a gift. With the promise that some day we'd get it looked at to see if anyone could make it bigger because it still didn't fit. 

A few hours later I'm messing around with it. Putting it halfway on random fingers and holding it in the light to watch it sparkle and taking pictures of it and stuff to send to my friends to say "OHMYGODIGOTIT". When all of a sudden:
It just slides right on. 

Let me just recap.
It DID NOT fit on my finger before. I tried it on three different times. It refused to go over my knuckle.

Suddenly it just slides right over.

I was wearing it.


I think I maybe sat there for like three days trying to figure out what happened. (Kidding. It was like three seconds because I had to stand up and scream at everybody "IT FIIIIIITS!!!!") 

So that's the story. I realize it might not be really impressive to everybody out there, but I'd just thought I'd share a little bit of the magic I'm trying to create in my life. Because, as I said from the beginning, I can't be the only one that wants it this bad. 

I hope none of this seemed arrogant or braggy. I'm not meaning to come across as "omg look at how weird and different i am lol". I just wanted to share what's going on in my life in hopes that maybe, just maybe, somebody who needs the reminder that they aren't the only one feeling this way will read it and feel less alone. 

I still sometimes get that overwhelming feeling that maybe I'm really stupid or my brain is broken for trying to create a fairy-tale out of everything. But thankfully, I'm blessed with really super rad friends and family. Friends who will text me things like "Dude I just saw a butterfly I think it's a sign that I'm doing something right." or call me when "Okay so I think my house is haunted". And family that reminds me I'm not crazy. I'm not stupid. And then smother me with love and listen to me talk about the dream I had that night in full detail for seven hours. 

So if any of you ever feel like you don't have any super rad friends or super rad family for some reason, I'll be your super rad friend. And this is a letter for you. Letting you know it's not silly to want a ring really badly because it almost made you cry when you saw it. And you're not broken if you constantly wish you could find a portal to another universe. And YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Now go. Find something magical and tell me about it. Start small. And then eventually make the whole freaking universe better than a Disney movie.