So sometimes Life hands you lemons and is all like "Here. I heard you were a fan of these things so I thought I'd give you an early Christmas present or whatever." And then strides away snickering like a little brat-hole and you're just left with a giant pile of yellow citrusy fruits. And then you're standing there all confused because you suddenly have a buttload of lemons in your arms, and what on earth are you supposed to do with them? You're like eleven and tiny and awkward.
But then you remember that you actually really like lemons a lot and you could probably do a ton of things with them. But you're scared because you've never done anything with lemons before and what if you completely mess it up or don't do it right or there are other people out there doing it seventy-five times better then you ever could? And then you get sad because your lemon-skills are weird and different and you get really self-conscious about it. So you decide to put them in a corner for a while because you're in denial over how much you actually want to try to make a delicious pastry with them.
Believe it or not, I'm not actually talking about lemons.
I know. Shocker. You just read that whole rant about them only to find out I was talking about something completely different.
Sorry 'bout that.
But anyways. I was actually talking about the time I was told I could sing. I was around 11-12. I had a random song in my head and was kind of humming along to it. Later, I was commanded to sing it aloud. So I did. And so begins the story.
At first, I hated it. I hated singing for people. I hated that suddenly people thought I was good at it and wanted to hear it. It was weird. (but it also may or may not have been because I tend to be very defiant at times when it comes to situations I myself didn't intentionally create.) But eventually I started taking guitar lessons, and then putting the two together. And it quickly became an escape for me.
Songwriting was a fun way for me to fly around with my head and make magical things happen. And nobody could tell me what to do or how to do it. It was whatever I wanted and envisioned. I didn't care if I could or couldn't sing, or if I was or wasn't good at guitar, I made music I loved and enjoyed every second of it.
At one point, I was even able to perform some of my original songs at my church. And share the stories behind them.
I was FREAKING. OUT. Because suddenly my little private world of personal problems and quirky wishes, was being listened to by a good handful of people. It felt like everyone was reading my mind. And it was scary.
^So that would be a link to a video of one of my songs if you're interested.
It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. I loved it.
But recently I've hit this wall. I've just had so much trouble writing. I'm starting to second-guess everything and dislike the way it sounds. And it freaking SUCKS because songwriting is how I usually deal with issues I have or crazy emotional moments I'm having. It's like my diary. Except right now it's like my diary but I can't find a pen and suddenly my handwriting is illegible and stupid looking.
So it's an annoying situation. And it's hard when I feel like I have so much stuff going on but I can't empty it out into something lovely and less heavy. But I thought I'd try turning it into a little mini story to share with you guys so I feel like other people are in on it. And just to let you know what's going on. But mostly because I wanted an outlet and I remembered that that's what these blogthings are kind of for, aren't they?
Moral of the story: Lemons are awesome. But can be extremely complicated and frustrating when they don't help you out with something that's complicated and frustrating.
I'm not even completely sure that makes any sense. But someone somewhere out there read it and took it to heart.